Ok, ok, that's not true. Here's the truth: About one year ago, the spasticity and stiffness in my legs began to get REALLY bad. I’d better not hear of a guy complaining about morning wood again because I constantly had TWO stiff members that were also quite painful when they spasmed. The muscle relaxers I took did just about nothing to help, which made me turn to alternative therapies. One of them was poppy seed tea, which worked beautifully to relax my legs but was a whole lot of (tiring) work to make. Also a lot of money to buy the seeds, which had to be unwashed so that the opium coating could be extracted. That involved shaking the seeds in hot tap water with lime juice until a milky-yellow liquid formed on top of the seeds.
The result was relaxed legs and a fatigued Melly. But making the tea was worth it when the alternative— cannabis, relaxed my legs but gave me the munchies and made me goofy, and often, horny. Well, hornIER. Because I do still work as a freelance writer, I needed to reserve my sober mind for doing interviews and writing articles. That’s why I pretty much disappeared for a whole year. But now things have changed.
In early May, I had surgery to get a baclofen pump. It works by releasing a constant, steady stream of baclofen (a muscle relaxer) into your spinal fluid. Because it’s delivered straight into your central nervous system, it takes a much smaller amount to do WONDERS. My legs are as flaccid as a gay man’s cock in a brothel (haha, couldn’t help it). I don’t have to fight them just to put on a pair of pants and they don’t jerk up toward my chest when I do something like run over a threshold. I used to say that my legs literally marched to the beat of their own drummer. I used to request “leg wranglers” to hold my legs apart when I went to the gynecologist. I would yell at my legs and joke that if someone were eavesdropping outside my apartment door, they’d think I was a horrible mother who constantly cussed out my kids. I used to say that I felt like three people.
I am one person again! Well, maybe a Bionic Person because I now have a small computer that lives in my stomach and controls the pump. It’s small and joins the other hardware I have— a titanium rod in my leg from when I broke it. But my rod and my pump, they comfort me.
I spent three weeks in a rehabilitation unit in the hospital over in Pittsburgh, where doctors calibrated the pump so it would work perfectly for me and they weaned me off of my oral muscle relaxers. As a result, I have loads more energy and I’m not living pill-to-pill like I used to do. I can even spread my legs farther apart because they’re so much looser (BONUS!).
So my mission remains the same. I will definitely be posting to ThisAbility because, well, it’s the only meaningful thing I can think of to do with my life. And it’s a good excuse to get laid and write about it. It’s like, Sex and Spasticity. ;-)
Other than being in a wheelchair, I am still somewhat limited. I have general fatigue. My hands are quite clumsy when it comes to typing. And I do still work as a freelance writer, which has to come first in my day—to-day writing. But I take pills for the fatigue, soon I will have that Dragon speech-to-text software, and working on articles still leaves plenty of time for blogging. So please visit ThisAbility whenever you think of it.
I can spread my legs far and wide. Let the games begin!