To make up for this, I plan on taking frequent readers on a two-week, all-expense-paid cruise where they will be individually presented with my consolation gift of $100,000 in cash.
So be watching your mailboxes for the plane tickets and itinerary because as soon as I get my act together, they're on the way!
So anyway, now that that's out of the way, I want to say that I am DONE with all the excuses and empty promises! I keep thinking of very brief things to post on here, but then I remember how long it's been since I posted and I end up not posting anything because it would seem silly to let a couple months go by and then suddenly post something like, "Why did the owners of Bumble Bee tuna decide to name their tuna after an insect? Chicken of the Sea was enough to confuse your average blonde pop singer (Jessica Simpson), so don't you think children everywhere are growing up thinking that they're having a can of mashed bees for lunch? In my opinion, Starkist has the right idea by abandoning any reference to earthly creatures and taking their tuna to the stars. At least then kids may think that whatever they're eating has been plucked from the heavens especially for them and not get it confused with ordinary animals."
Yeah, so you can kind of understand why I wouldn't want to post something like that out of the blue (I really did muse over all of that last night while playing Spider Solitaire and it admittedly feels quite good to finally get it out of my head and into my blog).
So with all that said, I will leave you with a short dialogue that I've been meaning to post for quite some time. And I plan on posting again at least once every day (unless things over which I have no control happen and force me to ignore this blog, in which case it would not be my fault, but I'd feel compelled to make up for it by making lofty promises which I probably won't keep).
This happened about a month ago:
New Attendant (I'll explain later) : I'm thinking about making some garlic bread to go with the pasta, but it's too hot to light the oven.
Me: Well, you could do what I do when I make something I call, "Pseudo Grilled Cheese."
New Attendant: (arches eyebrow) Oh?
Me: (superior voice fueled by confidence-boosting interest from attendant) I take two slices of bread and toast them in the toaster, then put some cheese in between them and melt it in the microwave. Voila! No-frills, no-nonsense grilled cheese! (I preen in smug satisfaction as the attendant eyes me with a mix of amusement and pity.)
New Attendant: I hate to burst your bubble, honey, but that's what the retarded men used to do at the home where I last worked.
Me: (confused, shocked) What?
New Attendant: That's how they would make sandwiches for themselves if they got hungry in between meals. They couldn't use the stove because they weren't allowed around open flames, so we taught them to do that. They really got a self-esteem boost from being able to cook for themselves.
Me: (deflated pride, wildly searching for some recovery) Oh... well, no one taught me that! I... invented it on my own!
New Attendant: (humoring me) Well, good job! Very resourceful thinking!
Me: (pride returning) Why, thank you! Thank you! I thought it was neat, too!
Now I can finally throw away that post-it note that says, "Retard quote on LJ!"
Let me start this entry by saying that it's not my fault that I haven't been posting because time seems to move faster for me and there are a number of assorted disturbances, over which I have no control, that victimize me on a daily basis and force me to ignore the blog that once was a haven for horned-up handicaps and reformed gluttons and instead let the weeks of non-entries pile up into a kind of cyber-dust that slowly suffocates it to death. So it's not my fault.